Oh my, I’m in BIG TROUBLE!! (buckle in, it’s a long one!) I was chatting to a friend last week – marvelling at how often emotional eating is still my ‘go to’ place whenever I’m tired or frustrated. And she looked at me with genuine surprise and said, ‘but you’re a Yoga Teacher!’ I actually laughed out loud.
Oh my! It was funny, but it later it worried me – how often am I (and other yoga teachers) held up in that regard? Yikes! And so before I fall off any virtual pedestal, I need to call this $hit out and (for my sake and everyone else’s) right-size myself as gracefully as I can…
Here it is – I eat chocolate and comfort food when I’m feeling overwhelmed or low (or for any reason really!). There I said it. And while I’m fessing up, there’s a few other things to put out there – I can be super impatient sometimes, I get angry, I often make mistakes (corkers sometimes) and I swear when I’m really frustrated. I’m a size 12 with a big butt (which I’ve actually grown to love!) and I sometimes get injuries from yoga (usually when I’m demonstrating and not paying attention). There are some people on this planet that I just don’t like, I have disagreements with others and I find it difficult to forgive when I’ve been deeply hurt or betrayed. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood, I can act irrationally and every once in a while I’ll have a complete melt down.When I’m like this, I feel small in my actions and I work hard every day because small isn’t something I want to be. I want to be large and expansive. But this is real and this is how it is right now.
I say this because it’s important to share my struggles as well as my joys, and I want to politely step away from creating or co-create an illusion or an ideal that simply isn’t true (for me at least).
I used to beat myself up for not being perfect, for not loving everyone, for getting angry and not recovering quickly, for not always being compassionate as swiftly as I’d like to be and for sometimes taking more than a day to get over a disagreement. But you know, that’s exhausting! Now a days my practice is much simpler – giving myself permission to be fully human – acknowledging, owning and fully holding myself in compassion with all of this stuff. I don’t (can’t) show up as my best self every day, and I’ve got work to do. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, or a bad yogi or even a bad Yoga Teacher.
I’m a work in progress – a messy human-being and a yogi, trying to do the best I can with this beautiful and complex life. And so I hope by sharing this, we give each other full permission to be the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful and magical people that we are. Shine on messy people! Lots of Love, Deborah x